10. Email Sniping

Server side fun. “Did you get my email?” <<zap>>, “No…(yes)”

9. The Decaff. Suprise

See how the marketing department feels when their java lifeline is switched to non-caffeinated pisswater. 

8. Good ol’ password change.

Make it something like )*(_&ifhu-)*&D)FH_)87fy-09y8Y_)* and insist they memorize it. Idiots. 

7. The straight up crash

Burn their fucking computer to the ground with a few well-placed lines of code. 

6. Torrent framing

“Well Johnny, it seems as if you’ve been using $100,000 of company equipment to download the My Little Pony DVD Box set from thepiratebay. You’re fired.” with a Mac/Unix/Linux based office, one could do this rather easily.

5. VNC Takeover

They will never figure it out. They’ll blame the gremlins and tiny japanese people in the box they know as a computer.

4. Goatse Wallpaper

Not up on your internet lingo? Prepare for a doozie.

3. share the dirt.

2. Annoyatron

This amazing little device found at ThinkGeek.com is a great way to piss off any desk jockey.

1. 2girls1cup Screensaver

Just make sure you use your VNC connection to blast their volume. Nothing like walking away from a quiet office, only to come back to 2 girls shitting in a cup, moaning. 

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I thought this was really funny. 

You will probably get ad nauseam from me about caring for our office surroundings.   So here is another approach:

When the trash basket at our “kitchen area” is overflowing DON’T take the time to bind it up and throw it out let the other person do it.   It’s good for their soul.

When you use the toaster oven and microwave and leave crumbs on the table or whatever - DON’T clean it up when you done - leave it for the other person.  It’s good to let your co-worker benefit from this service to you.

When you take the last bit of toilet paper - DON’T replace it with another roll so it’s handy for the next person - just leave it for that person so they can practice their yoga positions while trying to unwrap another roll.

ditto when you take the last but of paper towels to clean your hands - the next person can just wipe their hands on their jeans, dress - it will save the environment some paper.

 

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Please, save the hatemail. I know these arent real games, but a guy can dream right? Here are the Top 10 Videogame Based Porno DVD titles and their taglines.

10. Super Mario Hoes

Enter a magical world of mushroom stamps, pipe plunging, and a pair of nympho plumbers. Maria Mario and Luigina Mario feverishly horde all the spare change they can find whilst constantly battling the ever-present mushroom stamping Goomboys.

9. Call of Booty

A POV based film, geared toward the Nazi fetish crowd. We follow Pvt. Johnson as he escapes the evil Nazi sadomasochism dungeon and get back to good ol’ USA to bang out his Blonde Bombshell.

8. World of Whorecraft

This porno is a little different than your normal everyday flick. In order to get the the next DVD chapter, you must first watch the previous chapter 300,000 times in a row, complete 4 masturbatory quests, and shell out another 60 dollars in order to expand your package.

7. Assteroids

Simple. Our main character, Assy, flies through space dodging creampies and 2 girls with a very special cup.

6. Pokemom

Your standard japanese hentai tentacle MILF porno. Any Questions??

5. Ghosthrusters

Find out what happens when Egon and Ray finally ‘cross the streams’.

4. Castleveinia

Vampire Nymphos try and suck the Hero dry.

3. Titris

Titris is a classic Russian porno starring, well, Russian tits. Vladimir, the lead, arranges a series of oddly shaped boobs so they form 1 perfect pair of tits.

2. Counter-Stroke

Suprisingly, this sub-par DVD will not only have you glued to your screen for 12 hours a day, but probably everything else within arms distance… after you’re done of course.

1. Duck Cunt

This interactive DVD allows you to ’shoot’ the vagina of your liking using the remote controller. Afterwards, a bitch will run across the screen and slurp up your load, smiling.

Tags: Arts, assteroids, asteroids, call of duty, castlevania, castleveinia, counter-strike, counter-stroke, duck cunt, duck hunt, DVD, ghostbusters, ghostthrusters, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, luigi, Mario, Moro Islamic Liberation Front, Nazism, pokemom, pokemon, Russian language, tetris, United States, video games, World of Warcraft

10. Ask them to finish their bite before continuing.

Always go with the simple approach first. You wind up with less body-bags, cleaner fee’s and suspicious souses. It might not be as effective, but will get the job done in most cases. 

9. Start making ‘Chomping’ noises while they are talking. 

This is a personal favorite of mine. Make sure you start right in the middle of one of their words, in between gulps of BBQ Lays. 

8. Start a printer queue with 10,000 pages of noting but: OM NOM NOM NOM.

Self-explanatory. Simple, passive, a good waste of company money.

7. Take their food and throw it away.

Why let them enjoy life while making yours shit. Take that fat fuck’s snack and pull a Kobe Bryant on their ass. Make sure you read them the nutrition facts while doing it.

6. Begin coughing exaggeratedly on them and/or their food.

Nothing ruins a mid-day snack-a-roo like an Avian Flu infected serving of lung butter from yours truly.

5. Close your eyes, and cover your ears.

This is for the passive aggressive crowd. Pussies.

4. Refer to them as Mr. Ed, and nothing else, even if their name is Ed.

For bonus points, direct them with clicks and strange horse-whisperer sounds. Use of a whip is entirely optional, but encouraged. 

3. Kick them in the balls/cunt right before they swallow.

With any luck, the inconsiderate bastard will choke to death on their lunch.

2. The silent head shake.

Nothing says “I’m disappointed in your existence” quite like the silent head shake. Simple, effective, and easy.

1. Replace potato chips with arsenic. 

Now, seriously. If the retard you’re dealing with doesn’t have enough common sense to keep their mouth shut while talking, then they probably don’t deserve to live.

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So apparently Microsoft claims that some crazy piece of shit dubbed WARP10, a new feature in Windows 7, will allow people to play modern games on obsolete hardware. This sounds too good to be true. Hopefully they don’t make you sign over your soul first. I fail to believe that running Crysis would even be playable.

According to Microsoft,

When WARP10 is running on the CPU, we are limited compared to a graphics card in a number of ways. The front side bus speed of a CPU is typically around or under 10 GB/s whereas a graphics card often has dedicated memory that is able to take advantage of 20-100 GB/s or more of graphics bandwidth. Graphics hardware also has fixed function units that can perform complex and expensive tasks like texture filtering, format decompression or conversions asynchronously with very little overhead or power cost. Performing these operations on a typical CPU is expensive in terms of both power consumption and performance cost in cycles.

* Fully supports all Direct3D 10 and 10.1 feature
o Fully supports all the precision requirements of the Direct3D 10 and 10.1 specification
o Supports Direct3D 11 when used with FeatureLevel 9_1, 9_2, 9_3, 10_0 and 10_1
o Supports all optional texture formats, such as multi-sample render targets and sampling from float surfaces.
o Supports anti-aliased, high quality rendering up to 8x MSAA.
o Supports anisotropic filtering
o Supports 32 and 64 bit applications as well as large address aware 32 bit applications.
* The minimum specification for WARP10 is the same as Windows Vista, specifically:
o Minimum 800MHz CPU.
o MMX, SSE or SSE2 is *not* required
o Minimum 512MB of RAM.

Read more at Toms Hardware

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Image via Wikipedia

This package looks like it’s maturing quite nicely. Check out XAMPP, available for Windows, Mac, and Linux<3.

Many people know from their own experience that it’s not easy to install an Apache web server and it gets harder if you want to add MySQL, PHP and Perl.

XAMPP is an easy to install Apache distribution containing MySQL, PHP and Perl. XAMPP is really very easy to install and to use - just download, extract and start.

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I’ve been in the IT industry for over 10 years now, and if theres one thing I’ve learned, its that IGNORANCE IS RAMPANT in today’s typical office setting in regard to general computer use. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Who is this guy, why doesnt he just find another job if he hates it so much?.” Well my name is Ben, but many know me as Dacks. I’m a life-time nerd, and I LOVE computers and technology in general. I consider myself to be quite knowledgable in many areas of IT, and I’m always down for a quick geek-out session with another nerd in close proximity, HOWEVER(!) my patience runs thin whenever someone asks me: “Hey how do I [insert google search query]“. Welcome to office life in the IT department.

10. You must explain everything, regardless of simplicity, at least 10,000 times

Sometimes I wish it were actually possible to replace people with small shell scripts. I’m not an alien. I have 2 legs and 2 arms, 1 head, and I speak English. Somehow in that equation, even the most simple explanation is lost in translation when dealing with a Computard. My favorite part is scanning over the poor soul’s ‘notes’ after I’ve just finished oversimplifying how to attach a word document to an email, only to find an entire Library of Congress worth of text just to cover: 1. Click Attach, 2. Find File, 3. Click OK.

9. At least 3 times a week, someone will say “I can’t print”.

Nick Burns Anyone? This is one of those comments that drives me bat-shit insane. Printers, possibly the most low-tech device in the whole office, somehow manage to foil your 36 kill streak in Quake just about every hour, on the hour. How is it, that a device with a average of 3 buttons, 1 blinking light, and PAPER can be so confusing to the common user? Forget trying to explain what a driver is…

8. You get the same emails, 500 times.

Here’s the scenario. You’ve actually done your job! The website’s traffic is through the roof thanks to you brilliant S.E.O. tactics and semantic code. The problem? “OMG THE SITE IS SLOW” echoes out from the nether regions of your cubicle circus. The first wave of emails from the marketing department come raining in. As soon as you’re done hitting DELETE on the bunch, a second department feels its nessicary to alert you with an individual email from each employee, all stating their own nifty hypothesis as to why the site is so slow. After about 9 waves, you start recieving the “Did you get my email” email, followed up by the “Did you get my email about my email” phone call. Mass murder ensues shortly after.

7. You’re the first to show up, and the last to leave.

God forbid anyone decides to learn how to turn their own machine on or off. Having a ’schedule’ might seem like a good way to decide when to arrive and depart, however your time as an IT administrator does not enter the mind of the co-worker who’s late for Greys Anatomy re-runs. People will leave you the most ridiculous list of tasks to rush through, usually in the last 10 seconds of the work day. You can expect to be bumped up 1 notch on my hitlist for this infraction.

6. Nobody ever saves you any coffee.

Leave it to the advertising team to lick the pot clean, occasionally saving you the smallest, coffee-ground soup-ish, coldest drop of sludge. I broke down and bought a coffee pot which sits right next to me, guarded by a pair of rabid doberman pinchers with sniper rifles.

5. The dreaded “What are you working on?”

Nothing pisses me off more than some idiot poking their head into my office and blurting out “Hey, What are you working on?” I usually approach this question with a deep breathe, followed by a brief moral struggle over whether or not to turn this moron’s brain into an even more viscous mush. Answering this question honestly will often result in your coworker’s head exploding. There is a reason why I am paid to understand these things, and you are not. If you truly don’t care to understand, then by all means, have a nice helping of shut the fuck up and let me do my job.

4. For every hour you spend trying to make things easier, you’ll create 10 more hours of explanation

Forget trying to make these fools’ lives easier. It will only result in further frustration. Let them slink into their anti productive work flows. The more company time they piss away doing things ‘how they’ve done them for 10 years’, the less time they have to bother you. Something as small as moving an icon can have terrible butterfly-effect results. Expect questions like:
“DROOOOOOOOOL…….DERRRRRR……FGGGGGGGGGHHHHNNNNN….UMMMM….WHERE IS MY WINDOWS?”

3. Updates from outer space!

Somewhere along the line, a developer had a brilliant idea that would in fact forever degrade the patience of future developers and administrators: Updates. First of all, don’t get me wrong, updates are great (if you can wrap your head around this astronomical concept). My major gripe here is the fact that a perfectly well written dialogue box, in plain English, will undoubtedly read “PLEASE CALL SOMEONE INTO YOUR OFFICE, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING, TO CLICK ‘OK’ ” to the average grunt. The update might as well read “I am an idiot, Click Yes, Ok, or Uh-Huh”.

2. Do you think you can _____ ?

Unless your name is Boss, or Manager, I never want to hear this come out of your mouth. Ever. This phrase, as innocent as it seems, is a portal to another dimension where every second of your personal life is sucked dry by the things that will “only take a second.” Accept no side jobs from co-workers. You WILL be underpaid and overworked due to your ‘working’ relationship, with no possibility of actually getting what you’re worth. Unless they’re willing to pay you double what you’re making at the gig, walk away. I don’t “think I can” do anything, I know what I can do, and I know how much its going to cost you, and you probably can’t afford it.

1. You are everyone’s personal Google-er.

My mind was blown away the other day by my friend James, who sent me what I feel is the best invention since Google. It’s called LetMeGoogleThatForYou. Basically, its the most passive aggressive way to let someone know that what they just asked you, when typed into Google, will probaly give you a better explination than I can ever give. To some, this may come off as an insult, but others will be wisked away to the magical land of AJAX where an invisible pink elephant will dance into their office and type their question into Google for them. It even hits the search button for you. A dyslexic retard with 1 hand and a lazy eye can usually take it from here. Either way, they’re out of my hair.

Do you have any ridiculous office-related stories you’d like to share with us? Till then, try and keep the high powered weapons out of plain site. They might catch on to your plan…

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Image via Wikipedia

President-elect Barack Obama on Monday called the financial crisis one of “historic proportions” and said that he and the Bush administration are “united” in their efforts to get the economy back on track.

As Obama unveiled his economic team, he said there isn’t “a minute to waste” when it comes to rebuilding the economy.

“My commitment is to do what is required. President Bush has indicated that he has the same approach, the same attitude,” Obama said at a news conference in Chicago, Illinois.

Obama’s remarks came just hours after the federal government announced a massive rescue package for Citigroup — which President Bush said he’d spoken about with Obama before it was announced.

Obama said Monday that he has asked his newly formed economic team to develop recommendations for his economic plan, which he outlined Saturday, and to consult with Congress, the current administration and the Federal Reserve on immediate economic developments over the next two months.

In selecting his economic team, Obama said he sought leaders who share his fundamental belief that “we cannot have a thriving Wall Street without a thriving Main Street.” Watch Obama call the economic crisis one of ‘historic proportions »

CNN.com

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Scientists are today searching for remnants of a meteor that brilliantly lit up the sky in western Canada before breaking into pieces.

Alan Hildebrand, a University of Calgary planetary scientist, called it one of the largest meteors visible in the country in the last decade.

Video images showed what appeared to be a speeding fireball over Saskatoon which became larger and brighter before disappearing as it neared the ground.

Mr Hildebrand said that he received about 300 e-mail reports from witnesses to the event.

“It would be something like a billion-watt light bulb,” said Mr Hildebrand, who also co-ordinates meteor sightings with the Canadian Space Agency.

Tammy Evans was woken up by her 10-year-old daughter who ran into the bedroom of their home in North Battleford, Saskatchewan, last Thursday. “She said there was a flash of light, the house shook twice and it sounded like dinosaurs were walking,” Ms Evans, a nurse, said. [Times Online.co.uk]

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Seth Green’s commercial for Rallys Hamburgers was featured during an interview with on his show tonight with Mr. Green. On the show they talked about how the phrase ‘Cha-Ching’ caught on with an NFL football team and skyrocketed him into the spotlight of fame and fortune.

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